Only crazy neocons want to foist republican principles upon the wonderful countries who know better, but that doesn’t mean foreigners nabbed overseas shouldn’t be treated as party to our Constitution.

Change we can believe in, if we really insist on being that stupid.

Little by little this administration is turning things around. We’re going to kill ourselves our enemies with kindness!

Can’t you picture it? Some raging Imam in Riyadh or Peshawar or Detroit is halfway through a rant shrieking for “Death to the Great Satan!” and the guy in the third row stands up to say, “Actually, America treats Arab fighters dressed like civilians as if they were covered by the Geneva Conventions, and even reads them Miranda rights! It’s like they think jihadists captured overseas deserve the same protections as American citizens!” The audience laughs off their former grumpiness, then they take the Rabbi across the street to the local Ben & Jerry’s to watch the weekly Obama Success Hour on ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, or HLN.

Now more than ever it’s obvious the pundits were right – President Obama is boatloads smarter than President Bush:

“America and Islam are not exclusive,” he said, “and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles of justice and progress, tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.”

All the right people are taking notice of the pretty things President Obama says and the pretty ways he says them.

“There is a change between the language of President Obama and previous speeches made by George Bush,” said Fawzi Barhoum, a spokesman for Hamas.

This from a Hamas representative. Hamas, whose charter includes such gems as “Allah is its target, the Prophet is its model, the Koran its constitution: Jihad is its path and death for the sake of Allah is the loftiest of its wishes.”

Golly, this Barack character must be a top-notch thinker, if he can warm the cockles of even a Hamas spokesman’s heart. Whereas famous quotes from President Bush include*, “There ain’t no Muslims in Am-uhr-ica,” and “We’s gonna bomb them thar Islamics,” President Obama is a beacon of enlightenment for his countrymen. Being a Muslim is not the same as being a terrorist! Not all Muslims participate in or condone violence as a means of enacting sharia law!

Now that we’ve worked those things out, it’s just a matter of getting the jerk-bag Israelis to quit whining about “Muslim extremists” suicide bombing their “women” and “children.” Why, just because the Palestinians have used every new piece of land as additional rocket launching ground, the Israelis think they have a right to stop giving Palestinians land!

But as he presses Netanyahu for concessions, Obama has to be looking over his shoulder toward the powerful Israeli lobby in the United States and the many deeply conservative Christian organizations that back Israeli policy without question.

Emphasis mine. Doggone Christians, supporting The Jews (cue scary music) without thought or hesitation. They could learn something from the populations of the world’s free, competitive, advanced Muslim countries!

* Oh wait, President Bush mostly said the same things President Obama is saying, minus the constant preening about how magnificently multicultural he was for saying them.

From the AP story on last night’s foiled terrorist attack in New York:

Four men arrested after planting what they thought were explosives near a synagogue and community center and plotting to shoot down a military plane were bent on carrying out a jihad against America, authorities said Thursday.

Those wacky jihadists — George W. Bush left office months ago!

“They stated that they wanted to commit Jihad,” Kelly said. “They were disturbed about what happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan, that Muslims were being killed.”

“What happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan…” think we can safely say it’s not the Taliban’s ongoing barbarity that has these fruits bombing Jewish centers in New York. Plus, would-be terrorists really need to listen more closely to President Obama! It’s the Iraq war that’s transforming Muslims into mad bombers, not Afghanistan and Pah-kee-stahn.

An official told The Associated Press that three of the men are converts to Islam. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the person was not authorized to discuss details of the investigation. Three of the defendants are U.S. citizens and one is of Haitian descent, officials said.

That explains it. If these dudes were born Muslims, they’d realize “jihad” is a peaceful internal struggle for world domination.

Bloomberg warned against stereotypes, emphasizing that the temple is open to people of all faiths, including a Muslim girl who sometimes prays there.

What kind of stereotype could Mayor Bloomberg be referring to? Like the jailed jihadists, he should pay better attention: Muslim terrorists have no problem with killing other Muslims. Heck, if you die as collateral damage in an attack on Jews, you probably get a free ticket to Virginville!

People are flipping out about the news from earlier this week that Khalid Sheik Mohammed, admitted planner of the 9/11 attacks, was waterboarded a lot:

CIA interrogators used the waterboarding technique on Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the admitted planner of the September 11 attacks, 183 times and 83 times on another al Qaeda suspect, The New York Times said on Sunday.

Generally I’m opposed to torture, but I have to admit there’s little we could do to known terrorists that would bother me. Used only in the most extreme circumstances, I see no problem with an effective practice that causes little to no physical harm. Heck, it doesn’t even have to be all that effective as far as I’m concerned, given the amount of carnage that the smallest piece of information could prevent. Vice President Cheney, Emperor or the Nether-realm, has claimed the CIA possesses documents proving that waterboarding yielded results:

“I haven’t talked about it, but I know specifically of reports that I read, that I saw, that lay out what we learned through the interrogation process and what the consequences were for the country,” Cheney said.

I hope Cheney’s being straight with us here, and I hope what he’s referring to is declassified. That may be too much to ask, since President Obama generally only releases information that lets him treat others like a puppy who needs his nose rubbed in some mess or another. More from the Reuters story -

The Senate Intelligence Committee is investigating the CIA interrogation program, which under President George W. Bush also included slamming prisoners into walls, shackling them in uncomfortable positions and depriving them of sleep.

Has it occurred to anyone else that the intolerable things that we do to some of the world’s worst villains wouldn’t look out of place in a high school bully’s daily routine? It’s so pathetic that we’re worrying about who should be prosecuted for violating the poor terrorists’ rights — instead of who should be thanked for keeping Americans safe.

[Update: Fixed a typo in the last paragraph.]

Hooray! I only now read about the Navy’s rescue, having spent much less time than usual staring at pixels this weekend:

Acting with President Obama’s authorization and in the belief that the hostage, Capt. Richard Phillips, was in imminent danger of being killed by captors armed with pistols and AK-47s, snipers on the fantail of the destroyer Bainbridge, which was towing the lifeboat on a 100-foot line, opened fire and picked off the three captors.

Two of the captors had poked their heads out of a rear hatch of the lifeboat, exposing themselves to clear shots, and the third could be seen through a window in the bow, pointing an automatic rifle at the captain, who was tied up inside the 18-foot lifeboat, senior Navy officials said.

Thanks to President Obama and the various muckety-mucks who settled on this course of action. Another job well done by American forces. Happy Easter to the Captain, and to all!

…Except the pirates. Not sure what God will do with you, but we couldn’t have you hijacking boats and threatening lives. Whatever the shipping companies decide about arming their employees or hiring guns, I can only guess this will reduce attempts against crews flying the stars & stripes.

Exurban League made up a funny potential Obama response to the captive standoff with pirates off the coast of Somalia:

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

I laugh because I’d prefer not to cry; the parody works so well because it strikes familiar chords from the Obama songbook.

Meanwhile, why are the pirates still breathing? Their captive Captain Richard Phillips made a break for it, but didn’t get very far:

Around midnight local time, Phillips jumped off the lifeboat and began swimming, but was recaptured, according to Defense Department officials speaking on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to talk about unfolding operations.

Sailors on the USS Bainbridge, which is patrolling nearby, were able to see Phillips moving around and talking after his return to the lifeboat, and the Defense Department officials think he is unharmed.

I would hope that if American troops are afforded any opportunity to neutralize the pirates without harming Captain Phillips, they’ll do so. Then again, we bankroll Palestine… so why not warm-and-fuzzify our response to piracy and throw these poor Somalis a bone, too?

[Update: added the link for the second quote.]

Capping off a whirlwind trip across the Atlantic to bash Dubya and American history in general on foreign soil, President Obama’s done something crazy and acknowledged that Iraq exists as something other than a punch line to be accompanied by a smirk.

“Under enormous strain and under enormous sacrifice, through controversy and difficulty and politics, you’ve kept your eyes focused on just doing your job,” he said.

Politics — like candidate Obama wearing his opposition to the war as a badge of honor among the leftist groups he actively courted throughout the campaign. Politics like President Obama’s ongoing references to the Iraq war as a mistake and a distraction that he’ll rescue our poor soldiers from as soon as possible. Although this visit certainly strikes me as “a good thing,” I’d like to see the President accept Iraq as his responsibility more than grudgingly. I also wish he’d admit that maybe what our armed forces have accomplished has been worth the losses they’ve incurred.

“And because of that, every mission that’s been assigned, from getting rid of Saddam, to reducing violence, to stabilising the country, to facilitating elections, you have given Iraq the opportunity to stand on its own as a democratic country.”

I think this is as close as we’ll get to an admission from President Obama that America has done good things in Iraq, although he’s supported none of them.

Mrs. Clinton is proving to be quite the diplomat – why, just today Iran promised to kill American troops in Iraq “help” in Afghanistan:

“I did think that the Iranian intervention this morning was promising,” she told reporters of Akhoundzadeh’s speech.

While Clinton did not hold discussions with the Iranian delegation, she said U.S. special envoy for Afghanistan and Pakistan Richard Holbrooke had what she called brief and cordial contacts with Akhoundzadeh on the meeting sidelines.

“It did not focus on anything substantive. It was cordial; it was unplanned and they agreed to stay in touch.”

Ah, shoot, I mixed up my quotes there. The last paragraph was actually a summary of Obama’s presidency.

Talk about throwing good money after bad. The International Herald Tribune reports that Team Obama plans to send $900 million to Gaza:

In an early sign of how the administration plans to deal with Hamas, the militant Islamist group that controls Gaza, an official said that the aid would not go to Hamas but would be funneled through nongovernmental organizations.

Being unreasonably optimistic, let’s presume all of this money goes to “the citizens” and not a dime lines the pockets of Hamas leaders and “security forces.” Would that in any way address the underlying issue that Hamas still enjoys broad support throughout Palestine? We know that civilians are used as shields, willingly or no, and that the line between who’s a soldier and who’s not often depends on whether Western cameras are around. Will the lives of Palestinians be improved by our tax dollars?

Doubt it. Best case scenario, the millions we send to Gaza will go where they are needed… and Hamas will be free to go about their business of tunneling, smuggling, and rocket attacks, little inconvenienced over the suffering they’ve caused their fellow citizens. Palestinians will go right on hating Israel and her allies, and President Obama will be another billion dollars away from this balanced budget we’re going to be taxed out the wazoo for.

This makes me wonder what I’d have to do for a few million bucks. If I trashed my house, terrorized my neighbors, and whined non-stop about how cruelly victimized I am, think that’d do it? Maybe I should start an unsustainable business, or make lots of awful investment decisions. Yes indeed, things are looking up here in the land of opportunity! Until someone has to pay for it…

An excerpt from President-elect Obama’s comments on the Gaza situation, from CNN:

But what I am doing right now is putting together the team so that on January 20, starting on day one, we have the best possible people who are going to be immediately engaged in the Middle East peace process as a whole, that are going to be engaging with all of the actors there, that will work to create a strategic approach that ensures that both Israelis and Palestinians can meet their aspirations

Emphasis mine. Itty bitty, teeny-tiny problem: the Palestinians want the Israelis to die. That’s their “aspiration” – the Palestinian people, in a relatively free election, chose as their leaders a group whose stated purpose is the destruction of Israel. So unless Barack and State Department 2009 can diplomacize the Palestinians away from their bloodlust, or convince Israel that existence is overrated, it’s going to be more American time and money wasted on the same old “strategic approach”es.

And what a euphemism, “Middle East peace process” – it’d be interesting if we could quantify peace in any meaningful way. I suppose life under Saddam was peaceful enough, if you didn’t mind the risk of Ba’athists grabbing you in the night and torturing you until you died. Same for Afghanistan, if you’re down with sharia – which, in the case of women, means you don’t mind being property. It’s a little silly that we have this big responsibility to keep Israel’s hands tied when it comes to Palestine, while whatever terrorist-breeding basket case we kick the doors in on retroactively becomes none of our business.