After tonight’s finale of Reaper I remembered to check whether the show had been renewed for a third season. Season two of Reaper was a pleasant surprise – I figured things would get boring, but great new cast members and continued hilarity from the writers and actors learned me for figurin’.

I was bummed to see that CW is dropping Reaper to focus on their skank-targeted programming. In that vein, let’s play “90210 Mad Libs” – because 90210 commercials during Reaper were so inane that I considered buying a DVR. Write your own episode of 90210!

“Omigosh, did you, like, hear? Roxanne got __________!”

Suggested words/phrases: Pregnant; Hit by a Mercedes; Soooo wasted; Seven kinds of herpes.

“I’d love to get naked – I don’t care that you’re my __________”

Suggested words/phrases: Mother’s boyfriend; High school principal; Probation officer; Mother’s boyfriend and my high school principal.

“I’m feeling naughty. We should __________.”

There is only one way this sentence ends. You can jumble the words around, but the result is always dirty, random sex. Other 90210 lines that end this way include, “I’ve wanted you for, like, days. Let’s __________,” “You’re looking hot – we’re going to __________,” and “It’s Tuesday. __________.”

90210 makes me want to kick someone in the brain. Judging by the commercials, it could do little harm.

From the AP story on last night’s foiled terrorist attack in New York:

Four men arrested after planting what they thought were explosives near a synagogue and community center and plotting to shoot down a military plane were bent on carrying out a jihad against America, authorities said Thursday.

Those wacky jihadists — George W. Bush left office months ago!

“They stated that they wanted to commit Jihad,” Kelly said. “They were disturbed about what happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan, that Muslims were being killed.”

“What happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan…” think we can safely say it’s not the Taliban’s ongoing barbarity that has these fruits bombing Jewish centers in New York. Plus, would-be terrorists really need to listen more closely to President Obama! It’s the Iraq war that’s transforming Muslims into mad bombers, not Afghanistan and Pah-kee-stahn.

An official told The Associated Press that three of the men are converts to Islam. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the person was not authorized to discuss details of the investigation. Three of the defendants are U.S. citizens and one is of Haitian descent, officials said.

That explains it. If these dudes were born Muslims, they’d realize “jihad” is a peaceful internal struggle for world domination.

Bloomberg warned against stereotypes, emphasizing that the temple is open to people of all faiths, including a Muslim girl who sometimes prays there.

What kind of stereotype could Mayor Bloomberg be referring to? Like the jailed jihadists, he should pay better attention: Muslim terrorists have no problem with killing other Muslims. Heck, if you die as collateral damage in an attack on Jews, you probably get a free ticket to Virginville!

Just a quick happy Mother’s Day to all of the mothers reading (which I could only assume is a very small number). Enjoy your day!

Turn on the TV! Quick! You’ve already missed more than ten minutes of President Barack Obama reminding us of how amazingly spectacular he is!

I would say it’s ridiculous how often President Obama is on TV. I’d say it’s still more evidence of his narcissism, and has provided no logical support for all the standard hippie crap he’s hocking. But in his defense, he’s competing with a vicious press corps that wants nothing more than to make him look bad.

It makes me want to murder someone.

To this point, the season 2 finale of Chuck is great. Googling for answers about season 3 I found a Chicago Tribune interview with Captain Awesome. And apparently there were rumors on Twitter over the weekend that season 3 had been confirmed: not so, says GiveMeMyRemote.

While the medium is hardly to blame, let me take this opportunity to say Twitter is retarded.

So what are they going to do with the final few minutes? No terrible cliffhangers yet. I won’t lie, if the episode ends with ambiguity I will assume:

1. Sarah and Chuck live happily ever after.
2. Whoever may or may not have died in tragic fashion will pull through.
3. John Casey spends the rest of his days gleefully assassinating terrorists of various shapes and sizes.

[Update: Such a good finale!! Producer Josh Schwartz was clearly bluffing when he said this would make for an unsatisfying end to the series. They avoided both things I was afraid of - this season ended well, and the twists could easily be developed into 13 great season 3 episodes!]

From the Edmunds Inside Line on Thursday, a rumor that Pontiac is getting the axe:

According to a source at General Motors, the company will announce next Monday its new “faster, deeper” reorganization plan, which will likely include a death sentence for the Pontiac brand.

I’m sure friends and family tired of my grumbling each time a Pontiac commercial came on during March Madness. I’ve been saying for months that GM would have to be insane to drop Saturn and keep Pontiac. Rebadge the Solstice, G6, and G8 as Chevys, and call it a day. Is there anything else remotely interesting in the Pontiac line that isn’t already sold as a Chevrolet?

Seriously though, not a rhetorical question; I tried to check Chevrolet.com to refresh my memory and the site is throwing a “Generic failure in middleware” error. Maybe when GM gets that fixed they can come to their senses and instead of killing Saturn stop selling GMC as anything but fleet vehicles. I’ve never understood the GM “strategy” of so many identical models under multiple brands.

I feel obliged to mention that  the first car I bought was a ’99 Grand Am GT coupe. Black. Sunroof. Felt like climbing into an F-14 compared to the ’84 Tempo I had driven in high school. I bought it with around 30,000 miles on it, and loved it for the ~30,000 miles before things started breaking right and left.

That’s what we should put on GM’s tombstone if the billions upon billions in taxpayer bailouts aren’t enough to save the company: “We loved it, before things started breaking right and left.”

IMAO.us is a frightening place inhabited by frightening people. Not only do they talk regularly about guns – as if modern man has any right or need to own a firearm! – they have a tendency to discuss dinosaurs. As you may know, science will soon progress to the point where we can put together just about anything given a few strands of DNA. When this happens wild men like those at IMAO will be at the forefront, clamoring for giant genetically engineered lizards to strap lasers and rocket launchers upon.

Before we’ve hurtled off that precipice, it is our responsibility as Americans to bring IMAO into the mainstream by nurturing an ongoing and constructive dialogue. If there is one thing the first two months of this majestic and historifical presidential administration have taught us, it’s that offering bewildering platitudes is the way to win friends and influence people. To that end, I would like to present IMAO.us with the inaugural edition of the Prettier Than Olbermann award:

They may not literally be Prettier Than Olbermann, but it would probably be close if you took away Keith Olbermann’s hair and makeup crew. And assigned that hair and makeup crew to the IMAO.us team. And knocked back a few cheap cold ones.

Let’s hope this works, because if bad people who disagree with us can’t be silenced with lip service then we’ll have to call them racists, and then pretend they don’t exist while our allies harangue / sue them.

[Update: Typo in the second paragraph. Begone, improper tense usage!]

Exurban League made up a funny potential Obama response to the captive standoff with pirates off the coast of Somalia:

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

I laugh because I’d prefer not to cry; the parody works so well because it strikes familiar chords from the Obama songbook.

Meanwhile, why are the pirates still breathing? Their captive Captain Richard Phillips made a break for it, but didn’t get very far:

Around midnight local time, Phillips jumped off the lifeboat and began swimming, but was recaptured, according to Defense Department officials speaking on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to talk about unfolding operations.

Sailors on the USS Bainbridge, which is patrolling nearby, were able to see Phillips moving around and talking after his return to the lifeboat, and the Defense Department officials think he is unharmed.

I would hope that if American troops are afforded any opportunity to neutralize the pirates without harming Captain Phillips, they’ll do so. Then again, we bankroll Palestine… so why not warm-and-fuzzify our response to piracy and throw these poor Somalis a bone, too?

[Update: added the link for the second quote.]

Columbus needed one point in three games to get into the playoffs for the first time in franchise history, and last night they got it – with an exclamation point.  It is very fitting that the Columbus Blue Jackets captain, and the face of the team, scored the goal to put the Jackets into the playoffs for the first time ever.  Rick Nash tied the game last night against Chicago late in the third  period with a backhand shot that snuck past Chicago’s netminder, and just like Rimmer said, I’m not sure he could raise his hands any higher in celebration.  The guys have worked hard this year to get to this point, and now it all pays off…now lets see some great playoff beards!

Congrats to Penn State for being “the best of the rest,” with a hard fought win in the NIT tournament championship game.