The past several years I’ve been coughing up $70 for a fancy edition of TurboTax, but that’s hardly protection from the tax code’s – and my own – obtuseness. So I opened the envelope thinking, “what did I screw up, and what’s it gonna cost me?”

What I screwed up is… nothing. The third page of a packet beginning with “WE HAVE RECALCULATED YOUR 2010 OHIO INCOME TAX RETURN” lists several dozen line items from my return – in an AS REPORTED column and an AS CORRECTED column. I reported state income tax withheld directly from my W2, to the tune of more than $1,100. The Ohio Department of Taxation helpfully corrected this number – to $0.00.

Good one, desk jockeys. The copy of my W2 that I sent with my 1040 was somehow insufficient, so you’re sending me a “correction” two months later? In the form of a bill for more than $1,100, because apparently my state taxes weren’t withheld by The Ohio State University?  I can’t believe this is the process; if you lost my W2, send me a documentation request. The outcome would be the same, minus the heavy circles I added around box 17 and your “correction!”

The government will not abandon alerts completely. According to the Homeland Security briefing paper, the department may decide to issue specific warnings to local law enforcement agencies, airlines or businesses if it fears there is heightened risk of an attack. Or it could issue broader alerts through public announcements, it says.

Given Secretary Napolitano’s glowing record in charge of DHS, I’m sure the new system will be a big improvement.

Wait- what’s this? A sneak peek at the Department of Homeland Security’s new Homeland Security Advisory System?

Looks like they decided to reduce the number of levels on the chart. Makes sense, given how quickly prominent Progressives tie every random loon to some conservative who irritates them.

Also, it’s important to stay on message without overwhelming voters with the names of too many scary Republican fat-cats — and Congressman Ryan is in need of some good demonizin’!

Matt Hurley at Weapons of Mass Discussion is all over the TSA “get scanned or get groped” insanity, and has been hounding Ohio politicians for what (if anything) they plan to do about it.

My position, as I commented on Ricochet:

Since the TSA loves Security Theater, I have a serious proposal: in every boarding area, a sign that in multiple languages reads “Each flight which departs this terminal is safeguarded by no less than one armed plainclothes agent. Attempts at violence will be met with appropriate force.” Factor in screening time saved, and I guarantee guards would be cheaper than these damnable scanners.

Update: See this Ricochet discussion about Israeli airport security. Questioning, bomb-sniffing dogs, metal detectors – yes to all three. Leave it to Washington bureaucrats to find the intersection of “most intrusive” and “least effective” when Israel has methods that actually work.

You’ve got to keep on keepin’ on,
get on that pig and hold on tii-iiiight!

This clip holds special significance for me because of the time I, like a baby monkey, rode backwards on a pig (for the whole story, act like you’re interested in dating me and I’m sure my sisters would provide details).

What’s that, you say you’ve never seen a Parry Gripp video? If you think sixty seconds of animal humor is worth getting a ridiculous song stuck in your head, look no further:

Answer: A whole pack o’ dogs!

Ricochet’s a great listen if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s the perfect accompaniment to a game of Filler 2 on Kongregate.com! Or to a commute, if you have one of those Empee-three Players and a car that knows how to talk to it…

Yet another thing sucks about Michigan – gas tankers exploding on the highway for unkown reasons!

Because it looks like the Iranian mullahs will continue doing as they damn well please, because the Obama administration is infuriating beyond words in its dealings with terrorists, and because I can…

It’s time foooorr: Fun With the Ayatollah! Play dress-up with everyone’s favorite totalitarian representative of a violent political system masquerading as a religion!

The ayatollah as:
Disney devotee
Francophile
Fatwa waiting to happen
Philosophizer
(Groucho) Marxist
Piratollah
Cross-town rival

Happy Independence Day!

I was bummed to see that CW is dropping Reaper to focus on their skank-targeted programming. In that vein, let’s play “90210 Mad Libs” – because 90210 commercials during Reaper were so inane that I considered buying a DVR. Write your own episode of 90210!

“Omigosh, did you, like, hear? Roxanne got __________!”

Suggested words/phrases: Pregnant; Hit by a Mercedes; Soooo wasted; Seven kinds of herpes.

“I’d love to get naked – I don’t care that you’re my __________”

Suggested words/phrases: Mother’s boyfriend; High school principal; Probation officer; Mother’s boyfriend and my high school principal.

“I’m feeling naughty. We should __________.”

There is only one way this sentence ends. You can jumble the words around, but the result is always dirty, random sex. Other 90210 lines that end this way include, “I’ve wanted you for, like, days. Let’s __________,” “You’re looking hot – we’re going to __________,” and “It’s Tuesday. __________.”

90210 makes me want to kick someone in the brain. Judging by the commercials, it could do little harm.

Four men arrested after planting what they thought were explosives near a synagogue and community center and plotting to shoot down a military plane were bent on carrying out a jihad against America, authorities said Thursday.

Those wacky jihadists — George W. Bush left office months ago!

“They stated that they wanted to commit Jihad,” Kelly said. “They were disturbed about what happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan, that Muslims were being killed.”

“What happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan…” think we can safely say it’s not the Taliban’s ongoing barbarity that has these fruits bombing Jewish centers in New York. Plus, would-be terrorists really need to listen more closely to President Obama! It’s the Iraq war that’s transforming Muslims into mad bombers, not Afghanistan and Pah-kee-stahn.

An official told The Associated Press that three of the men are converts to Islam. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the person was not authorized to discuss details of the investigation. Three of the defendants are U.S. citizens and one is of Haitian descent, officials said.

That explains it. If these dudes were born Muslims, they’d realize “jihad” is a peaceful internal struggle for world domination.

Bloomberg warned against stereotypes, emphasizing that the temple is open to people of all faiths, including a Muslim girl who sometimes prays there.

What kind of stereotype could Mayor Bloomberg be referring to? Like the jailed jihadists, he should pay better attention: Muslim terrorists have no problem with killing other Muslims. Heck, if you die as collateral damage in an attack on Jews, you probably get a free ticket to Virginville!

I would say it’s ridiculous how often President Obama is on TV. I’d say it’s still more evidence of his narcissism, and has provided no logical support for all the standard hippie crap he’s hocking. But in his defense, he’s competing with a vicious press corps that wants nothing more than to make him look bad.

To this point, the season 2 finale of Chuck is great. Googling for answers about season 3 I found a Chicago Tribune interview with Captain Awesome. And apparently there were rumors on Twitter over the weekend that season 3 had been confirmed: not so, says GiveMeMyRemote.

While the medium is hardly to blame, let me take this opportunity to say Twitter is retarded.

So what are they going to do with the final few minutes? No terrible cliffhangers yet. I won’t lie, if the episode ends with ambiguity I will assume:

1. Sarah and Chuck live happily ever after.
2. Whoever may or may not have died in tragic fashion will pull through.
3. John Casey spends the rest of his days gleefully assassinating terrorists of various shapes and sizes.

[Update: Such a good finale!! Producer Josh Schwartz was clearly bluffing when he said this would make for an unsatisfying end to the series. They avoided both things I was afraid of - this season ended well, and the twists could easily be developed into 13 great season 3 episodes!]

According to a source at General Motors, the company will announce next Monday its new “faster, deeper” reorganization plan, which will likely include a death sentence for the Pontiac brand.

I’m sure friends and family tired of my grumbling each time a Pontiac commercial came on during March Madness. I’ve been saying for months that GM would have to be insane to drop Saturn and keep Pontiac. Rebadge the Solstice, G6, and G8 as Chevys, and call it a day. Is there anything else remotely interesting in the Pontiac line that isn’t already sold as a Chevrolet?

Seriously though, not a rhetorical question; I tried to check Chevrolet.com to refresh my memory and the site is throwing a “Generic failure in middleware” error. Maybe when GM gets that fixed they can come to their senses and instead of killing Saturn stop selling GMC as anything but fleet vehicles. I’ve never understood the GM “strategy” of so many identical models under multiple brands.

I feel obliged to mention that  the first car I bought was a ’99 Grand Am GT coupe. Black. Sunroof. Felt like climbing into an F-14 compared to the ’84 Tempo I had driven in high school. I bought it with around 30,000 miles on it, and loved it for the ~30,000 miles before things started breaking right and left.

That’s what we should put on GM’s tombstone if the billions upon billions in taxpayer bailouts aren’t enough to save the company: “We loved it, before things started breaking right and left.”

Before we’ve hurtled off that precipice, it is our responsibility as Americans to bring IMAO into the mainstream by nurturing an ongoing and constructive dialogue. If there is one thing the first two months of this majestic and historifical presidential administration have taught us, it’s that offering bewildering platitudes is the way to win friends and influence people. To that end, I would like to present IMAO.us with the inaugural edition of the Prettier Than Olbermann award:

They may not literally be Prettier Than Olbermann, but it would probably be close if you took away Keith Olbermann’s hair and makeup crew. And assigned that hair and makeup crew to the IMAO.us team. And knocked back a few cheap cold ones.

Let’s hope this works, because if bad people who disagree with us can’t be silenced with lip service then we’ll have to call them racists, and then pretend they don’t exist while our allies harangue / sue them.

[Update: Typo in the second paragraph. Begone, improper tense usage!]

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

I laugh because I’d prefer not to cry; the parody works so well because it strikes familiar chords from the Obama songbook.

Meanwhile, why are the pirates still breathing? Their captive Captain Richard Phillips made a break for it, but didn’t get very far:

Around midnight local time, Phillips jumped off the lifeboat and began swimming, but was recaptured, according to Defense Department officials speaking on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to talk about unfolding operations.

Sailors on the USS Bainbridge, which is patrolling nearby, were able to see Phillips moving around and talking after his return to the lifeboat, and the Defense Department officials think he is unharmed.

I would hope that if American troops are afforded any opportunity to neutralize the pirates without harming Captain Phillips, they’ll do so. Then again, we bankroll Palestine… so why not warm-and-fuzzify our response to piracy and throw these poor Somalis a bone, too?

[Update: added the link for the second quote.]