Ricochet’s a great listen if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s the perfect accompaniment to a game of Filler 2 on Kongregate.com! Or to a commute, if you have one of those Empee-three Players and a car that knows how to talk to it…

Yet another thing sucks about Michigan – gas tankers exploding on the highway for unkown reasons!

Because it looks like the Iranian mullahs will continue doing as they damn well please, because the Obama administration is infuriating beyond words in its dealings with terrorists, and because I can…

It’s time foooorr: Fun With the Ayatollah! Play dress-up with everyone’s favorite totalitarian representative of a violent political system masquerading as a religion!

The ayatollah as:
Disney devotee
Francophile
Fatwa waiting to happen
Philosophizer
(Groucho) Marxist
Piratollah
Cross-town rival

Happy Independence Day!

I was bummed to see that CW is dropping Reaper to focus on their skank-targeted programming. In that vein, let’s play “90210 Mad Libs” – because 90210 commercials during Reaper were so inane that I considered buying a DVR. Write your own episode of 90210!

“Omigosh, did you, like, hear? Roxanne got __________!”

Suggested words/phrases: Pregnant; Hit by a Mercedes; Soooo wasted; Seven kinds of herpes.

“I’d love to get naked – I don’t care that you’re my __________”

Suggested words/phrases: Mother’s boyfriend; High school principal; Probation officer; Mother’s boyfriend and my high school principal.

“I’m feeling naughty. We should __________.”

There is only one way this sentence ends. You can jumble the words around, but the result is always dirty, random sex. Other 90210 lines that end this way include, “I’ve wanted you for, like, days. Let’s __________,” “You’re looking hot – we’re going to __________,” and “It’s Tuesday. __________.”

90210 makes me want to kick someone in the brain. Judging by the commercials, it could do little harm.

Four men arrested after planting what they thought were explosives near a synagogue and community center and plotting to shoot down a military plane were bent on carrying out a jihad against America, authorities said Thursday.

Those wacky jihadists — George W. Bush left office months ago!

“They stated that they wanted to commit Jihad,” Kelly said. “They were disturbed about what happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan, that Muslims were being killed.”

“What happened in Afghanistan and Pakistan…” think we can safely say it’s not the Taliban’s ongoing barbarity that has these fruits bombing Jewish centers in New York. Plus, would-be terrorists really need to listen more closely to President Obama! It’s the Iraq war that’s transforming Muslims into mad bombers, not Afghanistan and Pah-kee-stahn.

An official told The Associated Press that three of the men are converts to Islam. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the person was not authorized to discuss details of the investigation. Three of the defendants are U.S. citizens and one is of Haitian descent, officials said.

That explains it. If these dudes were born Muslims, they’d realize “jihad” is a peaceful internal struggle for world domination.

Bloomberg warned against stereotypes, emphasizing that the temple is open to people of all faiths, including a Muslim girl who sometimes prays there.

What kind of stereotype could Mayor Bloomberg be referring to? Like the jailed jihadists, he should pay better attention: Muslim terrorists have no problem with killing other Muslims. Heck, if you die as collateral damage in an attack on Jews, you probably get a free ticket to Virginville!

I would say it’s ridiculous how often President Obama is on TV. I’d say it’s still more evidence of his narcissism, and has provided no logical support for all the standard hippie crap he’s hocking. But in his defense, he’s competing with a vicious press corps that wants nothing more than to make him look bad.

To this point, the season 2 finale of Chuck is great. Googling for answers about season 3 I found a Chicago Tribune interview with Captain Awesome. And apparently there were rumors on Twitter over the weekend that season 3 had been confirmed: not so, says GiveMeMyRemote.

While the medium is hardly to blame, let me take this opportunity to say Twitter is retarded.

So what are they going to do with the final few minutes? No terrible cliffhangers yet. I won’t lie, if the episode ends with ambiguity I will assume:

1. Sarah and Chuck live happily ever after.
2. Whoever may or may not have died in tragic fashion will pull through.
3. John Casey spends the rest of his days gleefully assassinating terrorists of various shapes and sizes.

[Update: Such a good finale!! Producer Josh Schwartz was clearly bluffing when he said this would make for an unsatisfying end to the series. They avoided both things I was afraid of - this season ended well, and the twists could easily be developed into 13 great season 3 episodes!]

According to a source at General Motors, the company will announce next Monday its new “faster, deeper” reorganization plan, which will likely include a death sentence for the Pontiac brand.

I’m sure friends and family tired of my grumbling each time a Pontiac commercial came on during March Madness. I’ve been saying for months that GM would have to be insane to drop Saturn and keep Pontiac. Rebadge the Solstice, G6, and G8 as Chevys, and call it a day. Is there anything else remotely interesting in the Pontiac line that isn’t already sold as a Chevrolet?

Seriously though, not a rhetorical question; I tried to check Chevrolet.com to refresh my memory and the site is throwing a “Generic failure in middleware” error. Maybe when GM gets that fixed they can come to their senses and instead of killing Saturn stop selling GMC as anything but fleet vehicles. I’ve never understood the GM “strategy” of so many identical models under multiple brands.

I feel obliged to mention that  the first car I bought was a ’99 Grand Am GT coupe. Black. Sunroof. Felt like climbing into an F-14 compared to the ’84 Tempo I had driven in high school. I bought it with around 30,000 miles on it, and loved it for the ~30,000 miles before things started breaking right and left.

That’s what we should put on GM’s tombstone if the billions upon billions in taxpayer bailouts aren’t enough to save the company: “We loved it, before things started breaking right and left.”

Before we’ve hurtled off that precipice, it is our responsibility as Americans to bring IMAO into the mainstream by nurturing an ongoing and constructive dialogue. If there is one thing the first two months of this majestic and historifical presidential administration have taught us, it’s that offering bewildering platitudes is the way to win friends and influence people. To that end, I would like to present IMAO.us with the inaugural edition of the Prettier Than Olbermann award:

They may not literally be Prettier Than Olbermann, but it would probably be close if you took away Keith Olbermann’s hair and makeup crew. And assigned that hair and makeup crew to the IMAO.us team. And knocked back a few cheap cold ones.

Let’s hope this works, because if bad people who disagree with us can’t be silenced with lip service then we’ll have to call them racists, and then pretend they don’t exist while our allies harangue / sue them.

[Update: Typo in the second paragraph. Begone, improper tense usage!]

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

I laugh because I’d prefer not to cry; the parody works so well because it strikes familiar chords from the Obama songbook.

Meanwhile, why are the pirates still breathing? Their captive Captain Richard Phillips made a break for it, but didn’t get very far:

Around midnight local time, Phillips jumped off the lifeboat and began swimming, but was recaptured, according to Defense Department officials speaking on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to talk about unfolding operations.

Sailors on the USS Bainbridge, which is patrolling nearby, were able to see Phillips moving around and talking after his return to the lifeboat, and the Defense Department officials think he is unharmed.

I would hope that if American troops are afforded any opportunity to neutralize the pirates without harming Captain Phillips, they’ll do so. Then again, we bankroll Palestine… so why not warm-and-fuzzify our response to piracy and throw these poor Somalis a bone, too?

[Update: added the link for the second quote.]

Cue President Obama gazing into the future, hopeful yet somber: splashed next to him, the words “Save the economy” as a voice-over asks “Will the American people support President Obama’s efforts to save the economy?” Followed by a dramatic flyby of the logo for Chris Matthews’ show, whose title should be changed to Slowpitch until the end of Obama’s term.

Here’s President Obama signing a bill, serious and triumphant, as the narrator asks, “Can President Obama’s budget make it past the Republican ‘No’ Machine?” A shot of Keith Olbermann looking, as ever, like San Francisco’s third-best used car salesman.

I wonder how often MSNBC teased a Bush-era broadcast with an implicit endorsement of Dubya’s attempts to “save” something. I wonder how many times Congressional Democrats were referred to as a No Machine (a contraption integral to the manufacture of Noes^TM) from 2001-2008. It seems cruel that Robert Gibbs is forced to flounder through his daily press secretary responsibilities; why not cut costs by directing any questions for the Obama administration straight to MSNBC’s news headquarters?

What’s laughable is that people whine and cry about what partisan beasts Fox hosts are… and then return to watching MSNBC. Fact: Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann are clowns. If you think one is an angel and the other a demon, you too may qualify for oversized shoes and a squeaky nose! Unfair as Fox News may be in their selection of personalities, imagery, topics, and tone, let’s not pretend MSNBC is any fairer.

I am currently in several pools, and am near the bottom in every single one of them. Try as I may, I never seem to do very good with these things. I am typically somewhere in the upper middle of the pool standings, but this year I am doomed to finish at or near last place in every single pool that I am in…very sad considering I follow college basketball fairly well throughout the entire season. Oh well, there’s always next year!

It was unfortunate to see Ohio State bow out in the first round, but a big congrats to the Bucks and Thad Matta for another successful season. It amazes me to watch Thad Matta turn a mediocre team into a 20+ win team – a testament to his great coaching ability. Granted, this year there was a decent amount of talent on the team, and they possibly could have done better, but a great job nonetheless. Hopefully we have some key players return and our great incoming freshman class lives up to its hype. Here’s to another NCAA tourny appearance next year!

On another sports specific note, the Jackets are continuing their excellent play. They are keeping a step ahead of the 7th and 8th seeded western conference foes, and with 10 games left, hopefully will win at least half of them and get into the playoffs for the first time in franchise history! I think Columbus is ready to support a playoff hockey squad, I keep seeing more and more Blue Jackets gear all around Columbus, and hope to see much more! I don’t know how difficult it will be to get tickets, but I would love to be able to make it to a playoff game.

Tickets are also available at the FOX Sports Ohio Blue Line location at The Mall at Tuttle Crossing and ticket outlets within Chiller Dublin, Chiller Easton and Chiller North.

I thought this was odd, but I live so close to Tuttle it seemed worth a shot to avoid all the service charges. Of course, this was the one event they did not have tickets for… no big deal. Then the girl told me they “only” charge a $2 service fee for tickets purchased at the Blue Line store. Only $2! That’s great! Ticketmaster is in the business of selling tickets, which in almost all cases are only available through Ticketmaster, and even if you go buy them in person they tack on $2 per ticket in addition to whatever Ticketmaster charges are included in the price.

Checking online, the description of the tickets reads: ADULT SINGLE GAME WITH SERVICE CHARGE, which seems to pretty clearly indicate that all the fees are included in the price. Yet after you select seats, they add a $4 “convenience” fee. I guess it’s convenient having no choice but to purchase from Ticketmaster! I don’t know what Ticketmaster’s motto is, but it should be Ticketmaster: We totally blow.

On the commendation side of things, Netflix is awesome. After a two week trial that I used mostly to test the streaming service over the XBOX, I realized I’d never need to rent another movie if I got the $8.99 monthly subscription. We’ve made good use of the instant watching feature, which is great despite a catalog that is far smaller than the physical one. I’m only using the DVD queue to catch new releases or the occasional classic that I can’t watch from the 360, so 1 at a time is fine. And today, the really impressive thing hit my inbox:

PCU was not available from your local shipping center. Fortunately, it was available from a shipping center in another part of the country. It’s on its way and should arrive within 3 to 5 days.

You’ll notice we also recently sent the next available DVD from your Queue to enjoy while PCU makes its way to you.

The movie first on my list wasn’t available at the Columbus location, so when they shipped it from someplace else they emailed me an apology – and sent the next movie in the queue at the same time! Much as I’ve gotten used to credit cards and utilities going out of their way to squeeze maximum fees out of minimum service, Netflix continues to impress! If you haven’t tried them out, I strongly recommend the free trial, especially if you have a 360 and good internet service.

[Update: On top of the $4 added to each "With service charge" ticket, they add a $3 order processing fee? Keep on suckin', Ticketmaster.]

The cartoon mocked the “stimulus” bill written by Congress and signed by President Obama while referencing the police shooting of a crazed pet chimpanzee last week in Connecticut. Seems perfectly clear and simple to me, if not all that funny. Fatal error: the use of a chimpanzee.

“This is tastelessness taken to the extreme,” he said. “For the publication to suggest the only people who object to it are constant critics of the New York Post is beyond ridiculous.

“This was an invitation to assassination of the president of the United States and anyone who was not offended by it doesn’t have any sensibilities.”

Wait… what??? Maybe the fatal error was depiction of a shooting? Maybe those Connecticut cops should be locked away for their hate-motivated murder of a species racists often compare to black people? That Al Sharpton is still paid attention by any sensible person is outrageous. That an allegedly respectable national organization sees a dumb cartoon about a chimp and declares it a call for assassination of the president is… I’m not even sure what.

Who cares that President Obama didn’t write the stimulus bill; Al Sharpton has bigger things than “facts” to worry about. Like, for instance, being one of the premier racists in the country and finding things to decry as offensive. If Barack Obama is the post-racial politician he has claimed to be, this seems like a great opportunity to criticize the NAACP for a childish display. On the count of three, let’s all hold our breath…

Stifling run defense, but over 400 yards passing allowed. Beanie continues to rock everyone’s world, until he’s hurt again. Dumb offside, holding, and roughing the passer penalties lengthened Texas drives and crippled our own. And late in the 4th when the offense really got firing, it was just in time to blow through a drive that should have managed the clock. I was afraid the D couldn’t buckle down for one last Texas possession. Crappy time to be right.

It’s disappointing, especially, for the seniors who have worked so hard to improve themselves and be a winning team.  For those who stayed in Columbus when they could have been millionaires by now, thanks again, and God bless…

It’s true. For instance, when I think of Madonna, I think “Wow, Madonna sucks.”

And then amazingly, the puff piece gets weirder, as we learn this guy so concerned about citizens getting riled up over a wrinkly, washed up pop star voiced these concerns during a service honoring Augusto Pinochet. Based upon this story I can only conclude all Chileans are insane.